I was cleaning up the post lunch carnage today when I realised that I was casually eating bits of pulped croissant out of the high chair without a care in the world. This seemed totally normal – every parent does it right? Until I stopped to think about what I was actually doing. What the hell has happened? I’ve crossed over into that world where it’s ok to eat half chewed morsels of food off the floor/chair/curtain. I’m not even certain when it happened, it’s crept in by stealth culminating in me unconsciously gobbling second hand French pastry with abandon.
It got me thinking about the sometimes absurdity of mamahood and other situations I’ve found myself in or things I’ve found myself doing since becoming a mum. Here’s a few (they’re mostly gross, sorry):
- Going to the toilet in public with the cubicle door open because there was no room for the pram and she screamed if I left her line of vision for a second.
- Crying hysterically because I dropped my last breast pad down the toilet.
- Going to the toilet with baby attached to my breast because it was a choice to either wet myself or endure a screaming fit from a zoned out latched on newborn.
- Flashing the window cleaner, Hermes delivery man, my neighbour, pretty much everyone while breastfeeding and not batting an eye lid. My boobs didn’t feel like mine at that point so the odd nipple slip really didn’t concern me.
- Wiping snot, dribble, sick on the nearest piece of fabric; usually my sleeve.
- My breast pad working its way out of my bra and top at work – not a good look.
- Singing any/every nursery rhyme to a child on the brink of complete melt down at the checkout in Aldi AND asking the cashier to join in (this is def not in their job description).
- Changing the shittiest of shitty nappies on a pub bench next to people trying to enjoy a drink. To be fair this wasn’t my fault – the pub had no baby change facilities. At least I did it outside!
Without a child these actions are unacceptable but put a baby in your arms and it’s ok to be a little bit feral and act inappropriately in public. I’m planning to enjoy it while it lasts and am wondering how long I can get away with this, quite frankly, disgusting behaviour. What is the time limit? When your child reaches a certain age do you have to start acting with the decorum that society expects again? Will someone let me know or will respectability creep up on me too?
I’d love to hear about the bonkers predicaments you have found yourself in or the crazy stuff you have done since becoming a parent. Leave me a comment – the grosser the better!
Now then, I’m feeling a bit peckish – I wonder what the high chair has to offer this evening?